Although LGBTIQ+ relationships are now increasingly normalised, there are still inequalities associated with the breakup of such relationships and the grief arising from the breakups.
- Text Nina Venhe | Photos Niko Jouhkimainen
‘Love belongs to everyone.’
‘We are all equal before the law.’
The 2013 campaign for a gender-neutral marriage law was characterised by slogans emphasising equality even though other slogans, dissenting voices and opposing views were also heard during the campaign. However, the new act ultimately entered into force in 2017. Thus, the struggle for legalising same-sex marriage and for making it socially acceptable has continued until recent years.
Since then, LGBTIQ+ relationships have gradually become normalised but LGBTIQ+ breakups and problems in such relationships are still a sensitive subject.
“After a long struggle for equal status of LGBTIQ+ relationships, you may be facing extra pressures for success in such a relationship. Coming out of the closet and being accepted by your family and friends may have been a long process. For this reason, people may hide their relationship problems because they fear negative stigmatisation,” explains Annukka Lahti, University Lecturer in cultural studies and gender studies at the University of Eastern Finland.
She has studied breakup experiences of LGBTIQ+ people and the related hierarchies of grief for many years.
“When we are talking about a breakup of a heterosexual relationship, the assumption is that the parties go through a major life change involving a great deal of stress. At the same time, queer grief may not be properly acknowledged or it may even be underestimated.”
Disenfranchised grief
According to Lahti, when an LGBTIQ+ relationship ends, something strange often happens. The partners’ family and friends may have accepted the relationship but when it breaks up, they are at a loss for words.
Queer grief is not acknowledged in the same manner as the grief arising from the breakup of a heterosexual relationship and this also applies to the cultural aspects of the situation.
“The interviews made for the study revealed that the former partners may hear comments like ‘it was really good that you broke up’ or suggestions that their relationship was less virtuous than a heterosexual relationship.”
In such situations, we are talking about disenfranchised grief.
“In addition to grief, the breakup of an LGBTIQ+ relationship also involves shame arising from the fact that despite all the setbacks, the relationship did not last. Maiju Parviainen who worked as a postdoctoral researcher in our research project interviewed professionals familiar with breakup situations. According to them, this is the reason why LGBTIQ+ people make every effort to preserve their relationships and, fearing discrimination, do not seek help.”
In other words, there is immense pressure to keep up appearances.
Separation support groups as safe spaces
LGBTIQ+ people still do not have the same structural, institutional or social support for their relationships as heterosexual couples. The relationships may also be burdened by the discrimination experienced by LGBTIQ+ people.
“Even though LGBTIQ+ people often experience the same kind of feelings in their breakups as heterosexuals, a breakup taking place in a LGBTIQ+ relationships has its own distinctive features. The painful experience of not being accepted as what you are may surface at the time of the breakup and make the grief even harder to bear.”
In their study, Anna Heinonen, Postdoctoral Researcher at the University of Eastern Finland, and Annukka Lahti examined separation support group for LGBTIQ+ people. Even though the matters discussed in the groups are partially the same as those covered in separation support groups for heterosexuals, it is considered important that LGBTIQ+ people have their own groups. In such groups, you do not need to justify your choice of relationship, fear discrimination or be worried that somebody would downplay your breakup experiences.
"Lifelong commitment to one other person in a couple remains an influential cultural ideal, which is also strongly present in the groups. However, alternative ways of organising one’s relational life are present too, especially in queer culture, so it is important to take a critical stance toward the expectation that LGBTIQ+ people should organise their lives in terms of normative relationship ideals. This may lead to a situation where the breakup is considered a personal failure,” Lahti explains.
At the same time, similarities and differences between heteronormative society and LGBTIQ+ lifestyles are also analysed in the groups from different perspectives. Other forms of relationships, such as polyamory, are also discussed but the dominant view is often that in LGBTIQ+ relationships, too, the traditional relationship between two partners is the ‘desirable approach’.
“In fact, one could say that heteronormativity still casts a shadow over LGBTIQ+ relationships and breakups in more ways than one.”
LGBTIQ+ people still do not have the same structural, institutional or social support for their relationships as heterosexual couples.
Annukka Lahti
University Lecturer
Differences heightening inequality
When doing research in Britain, Lahti noted that in that country the reasons for breakups are more varied than in Finland. The persons that she interviewed came from more diverse socio-economic and ethnic backgrounds than in Finland.
Lahti realised that the age, racialised status, gender and social class are always a factor in breakups between LGBTIQ+ people.
“In Finland, research on LGBTIQ+ families has often examined matters from the perspective of white, middle-class and middle-aged individuals, which means that some of these intersectional differences are inevitably hidden.”
For example, for the young black men interviewed by Lahti, the reasons for the breakups were often connected to the process of coming out of the closet, being rejected by their families, and the issue of heteronormativity.
“The breakups of the Finnish interviewees were often prompted by reasons related to middle-class family life, from the years dominated by career and other obligations to growing apart. In Britain, however, a common reason given by young black men for the breakup was that the partner was not yet prepared for living openly in a same-sex relationship or that the relationship was rejected by the family or the community. This was not uncommon for the young white Finnish interviewees either even though it was less common.”
The differences heighten the inequality between those who have undergone LGBTIQ+ breakups and make separated vulnerable in varying ways.
In fact, in the book she is currently writing, Lahti takes a closer look at LGBTIQ+ breakup processes in different population groups, how LGBTIQ+ breakups are addressed in therapeutic services and what kind of support is available.
“Even though the diversity of genders and sexuality has been gradually accepted it is not yet a neutral issue. For this reason, this study is needed.”
